Carpenter
(And Work Related)
Humor
A carpenter was fixing the roof of a church, when he struck his thumb. "Damn it, I missed!" cries the carpenter. The minister corrects him, saying, "You shouldn't say such a thing in the church." The carpenter continues his work, and soon strikes his thumb again.
"Damn it, I missed!" he yells. The minister again corrects the carpenter. The carpenter continues with his work without further comment. Again the carpenter strikes his thumb, and again he yells, "Damn it, I missed!!!!" When the minister corrects him this time, the carpenter asks, "What's going to happpen a bolt of lightening going to strike me dead?" The minister says, "As a matter of fact, yes it will !", when all of a sudden a bolt of lightening comes through the roof, and strikes the minister dead. A large booming voice is heard saying, "Damn it, I missed!!"
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together.
The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun.
The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building.
The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!"
So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.
At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather
puzzled.
The first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!"
The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!"
But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch."
Q. What does Bill Clinton and a
Carpenter have in common?
A. One screw in the wrong
place and the whole cabinet falls apart?
For thirty years, Carpenter Al had arrived at work at 7 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 7 A.M. passed without Carpenter Al’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the
foreman himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at 8 A.M. , Carpenter Al showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the foreman and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the train station. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a
whole hour?"
Jobs I used to have:
I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind
over and over again.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.
I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.
I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a good carpenter to build one.
Sam Rayburn [1882-1961], American politician
LAW OF CONSTRUCTION
Cut it large and kick it into place.
LAW OF FORCE
If it doesn't fit, you're not hitting it hard enough.
LAW OF FORCE II
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
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